


What are we doing?

by KimberlyAlexis



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, Sherlock (TV) RPF
Genre: Adultery, Angst, During Ode to Joy Filming, M/M, NYC, Post Martanda, Summer 2017, happy-ish ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2019-01-20 02:05:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12422799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KimberlyAlexis/pseuds/KimberlyAlexis
Summary: Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman find themselves in NYC at the same time. They find themselves falling into old habits yet again. But feelings are starting to get in the way and they're both trying to decide if they should walk away for good.***"What are we doing, Martin?" Ben says this then finds his way to the crook between Martin's head and shoulders.  He gives a gentle kiss to his neck. Martin's head falls back to give him more space to work and Ben doesn't waste it.





	What are we doing?

Martin slides from the bed, leaving behind its warmth and its occupant.  Memories of the night before are swimming in his head, along with remnants of a night of too much drink and too little inhibitions. It was good, of course it was good. It’s always good and that’s the problem. It’s so good they never walk away and never make the hard choices. They didn’t even miss a beat when one of them went off and got married. But now they need to talk and they’re avoiding. Hell he’s avoiding because he’s found it’s near impossible to stop. So he isn't trying to sneak out, but he also doesn't want to have the same conversation again.  The one they keep having where they say this should be the last time but later find themselves gravitating to each other whenever possible. 

 

This time it's in New York as compared to London, Atlanta, or Matamata.  So the city is new, but everything else is the same. He was there shooting a quick thing and even though Ben was supposed to be in Atlanta, somehow he found the time to take the trip up. Martin had a nice night with a few from the crew planned but once he got the text from Ben he knew he’d beg off and see him. After all it would be nice to “catch up.” But that ever-consistent lie was short lived and they found themselves having a meal at Ben's small Brooklyn apartment. The place was cozy. Martin liked it immediately and he smiled once he walked in. Ben had the food he’d picked up on a small table, along with two already made drinks. 

 

The place wasn't much more than a bed, a kitchen, and the smallest loo Martin's ever seen in his life.  So it was no wonder that while sitting on the bed they fell back into old routines. Which, fucking hell, wasn't what he'd planned to do. He wasn't in a committed relationship anymore, but he had someone who cared about him and whom he cared about. But he was on a bed with Ben and Ben made him laugh then looked at him like he hung the moon. And the way Ben’s eyes danced when he was laughing was one thing, but they way they dipped to look at his lips was another. So Martin reached out his hands and pulled Ben close. It wasn’t long after Ben was straddling his lap and Martin forgot about anyone else. Because when Ben’s around that’s who has his eyes, his thoughts, his fucking heart. Fuck. Fucking pointless.  

 

He hates feeling like this. Like at any moment he’ll erupt and expose something he’s been hiding from Ben for years now. There’s a tension between them, one that’s been growing with every encounter. He knows it. Ben does too. If they keep on like this then they’ll hurt themselves or someone or fuckin hell probably both. 

 

Martin walks around gathering his things. Things that’d been thrown here and there in the midst of everything. And, of course, the last thing he finds is the first thing he needed. He slides the pants on then sits gently on the bed trying to be quick and quiet before his exit. 

 

The movement, however, wakes Ben who wakes with a start. He sits up grabbing for his phone on the small table. Upon finding it he looks at the time and appears to calm down.

 

"Thank God. I was worried I was late for a thing."

 

Martin pauses in sliding his trousers on. He raises an eyebrow and turns towards Ben. "A thing?"  He says it stressing the second word. 

 

Ben nonchalantly shrugs. "Yes, just a thing."

 

This gets a tight smile from Martin. It's not that Ben doesn't have his own life that Martin doesn’t know about. Hell most of it is a mystery to him, but Ben doesn't usually hide “things” away when they’re together. Another reminder that things just aren’t as easy as they should be.

 

"What kind of thi-? Ya know what. Never you mind. I have to get going anyway."

 

Ben isn't slow for once and catches that Martin is annoyed. He reaches a hand over to Martin’s thigh and squeezes. He looks into his eyes.  "Hey?" Ben says.

Martin looks away and bites his lip. He can’t do this. He just has to get out. They're about to do the thing again and he really has no fucking time or patience. He's meant to be on set in a few hours and needs to get some coffee and food in him. Hopefully it’ll soak up the last bit of the bottle they shared last night. 

 

Martin shakes his head, but doesn't respond. The man is married. He’s...trying something on with someone. The man is married. Even if he wasn’t they never quite lined up with what they wanted or needed. His career. Martin’s career. Fucking hell it’s not like Ben’s ever really said he wanted it anyway. Martin stands up, zips the trousers, and fastens them.   He walks towards the small chair and takes his shirt off it and slips it on.

 

"I also have a THING," he says. His finally picks up his phone which is ,for some reason, right by his shoes and it’s dead. Fuck. "Charger?" He doesn't want to stick around, but he doesn't know this city well and isn't okay with being out and about without a form of communication. 

 

Ben nods his head towards the kitchen. Martin walks over, plugging in the phone and waits. It’s completely dead and will be a good 15 minutes before it even pops up with 5%. Damn. In the interim he decides to make coffee. He looks through the cabinets and finds a bag of coffee grounds. He begins filling the coffee maker with just enough water then plugs it in and presses the brew button. It’s long moments while he waits for it to start dripping into the small mug he’s found. It says “Princess” on the side and he can’t help but wonder about the owner of it. Ben’s been going to NYC for years. Perhaps this is the place he brought back a few women here and there...some before Sophie, maybe some after. Fuck. He won’t think about that. He isn’t much better really.

 

He can feel Ben watching him, but his goal is to not engage. He wants out of this encounter unscathed as much as possible. But he's already feeling like a shit. He's already feeling like every name SHE threw at him towards the end. He's already feeling like he isn't much more than the asshole he's always said he wasn't. He actually gives a shit behind it all.  But there's someone out there waiting for him to call. And when he finally does he knows he won't mention this and he'll feel that guilt for a long time. At least until the next time.

 

He finally chances a look over to Ben only to find Ben has left the bed and appears to be using the loo. So Martin decides to use this time. He hangs his head and takes a breath. He lets his eyes close and tries to let this go. A few more breaths in and out. He tries to tamp down on anything he's feeling right now. But the memory of the night before keeps invading his thoughts. Ben on all fours, waiting and wanting. Him entering and losing himself. Ben turning around and kissing him. Ben falling asleep wrapped around Martin, saying his name with such devotion.  Martin is on his third set of deep breaths when he feels Ben's scruff against his cheek. And fuck before he knows it Ben's face is in front of his and he HAS to kiss him.  Martin kisses Ben and he can't fucking stop. He needs to kiss him one more time. 

 

The kitchen is small so Martin angles them out of it. There aren't many steps to take and they're on the bed. Ben is kissing him back like it's the first time.  Like that time in Los Angeles when they'd just left the last party and they weren't Emmy winners, but they felt like they’d won something better. He and Ben were drunk on just being there and enjoying the goodness of it all. That night Martin stepped in Ben's space. Ben's eyes seemed to fill with tears at the thought that Martin didn't want him as much.

 

"Do you...ever?" Ben had asked.  He'd drunkenly confessed to wanting the flirting they did to turn into something more. 

 

Martin shook his head and looked up at Ben, completely sober and completely happy in that moment.. 

 

"Ben..." Martin said before taking Ben's head tightly in his hands and kissing him. 

 

Ben kissed him back like he'd been waiting on that kiss for decades, as if Martin was the first person to ever kiss him. Martin never forgot the gentle nips, the sigh of contentment,  and the moans of happiness….desire.  Martin felt it too. He felt it when he damned well shouldn't feel it, especially for a man he honestly barely knew. And he shouldn't be feeling it now when that same man is now married. Martin pulls back and sits up. He sits on the edge of the bed and drops his head into his hands. He has to walk away.

 

Ben reaches out a hand towards him, a hand on his shoulder trying to draw him back.

 

"Martin?"

 

Martin doesn't answer. He's not doing this. Not again. He just shakes his head no and hopes Ben will let it go.

 

"Martin?"

 

But of course he doesn't let it go.

 

"What!?" Martin says without turning around.  He hears the coffee click off in the other room and God he could go for a cup, or maybe he just wants the excuse to get up.  Ben scoots forward and sits next to him on the bed. His nude shoulder touching Martin's and for some reason it's like fire. Fuck he wants him again. Why the fuck does he want him again?

 

Ben leans into him, turns his head and kisses his shoulder gently. He runs his lips across Martin's shoulder.

 

"What are we doing, Martin?" Ben says this with edge, but then finds his way to the crook between Martin's head and shoulders.  He gives a kiss to his neck. Martin's head falls back to give him more space to work and Ben doesn't waste it. He bites at it so gently then runs his tongue over the mark and blows a cooling breath. His hand reaches over and ghosts a touch over Martin's crotch. Martin always tucks to the left and Ben knows this. He also knows exactly how to make Martin hard in less than 30 seconds. As Ben's hand gently rubs at his cock, he repeats the motion with the bite on Martin’s neck. 

 

"Are you--Are you marking me?" Martin asks with a slight laugh, almost breathless. Fuck the makeup lady will hate him, but he actually loves the feel. 

 

"Maybe," Ben says. Martin can hear the smile in his voice. He almost smiles in return because he loves Ben's smile. But then Ben pulls back.  "What are we DOING, Martin?" He repeats the phrase more angrily now. Then drops his hands from Martin.

 

Martin tries not to be pissed at this, but he is. Can't Ben let this go?

 

"Let's not do this again, Ben."

 

"No Let's. And maybe this time we can be...."

 

"Be what?"

 

Ben is wearing barely there pyjama bottoms and Martin can see his cock’s interest fleeting. He'd rather do that than talk so he leans over and puts his hand on Ben's cock. The fabric is light so he can see the outline clear. He takes a firm grip of it, gives it a stroke. He thinks of dropping to his knees and letting his tongue lick at Ben through the cloth, wait until Ben's well and truly done with talking before he takes it out and let's Ben cum down his throat.  

 

He begins the slide down when Ben grabs hold of him and brings him back up on the bed. Martin is confused, but Ben stands and clears his throat.

 

"This time let's be honest and NOT distracted like we always are."

 

Martin crosses his arms and waits. Honesty? That's new.

 

"I'm--," Ben starts then stops. "I'm not sure we can keep doing this."

 

But making that declaration surely isn't. But fine, Martin thinks.  If it's honesty he wants...

 

"I don't want to keep doing this," Martin says. He says it without looking at Ben, but when he finally looks up the look on Ben's face breaks his heart and fuck. God Martin fuckin hates himself for this. It's dumb. It's stupid. It's a waste. He can't do this anymore. Ben is right in that.

  
  


"So this is it then?" Ben asks. His voice catches on the last word.

 

"Yeah," Martin says. "Yeah, has to be doesn't it?"

 

Ben bites his lips, his eyes are tear-filled, but one has yet to fall. 

 

"I'm married," Ben says without answering Martin's question.

 

"And I'm....with someone yeah." Martin thinks of her. She was really the one who pushed him to move on from what surely was a dead relationship. She was a good friend above all. But even when they'd talked about all their past lovers he didn't mention Ben. That was his. He wanted this just for himself. Even if Amanda said she knew. He never told her.

 

"Why do we keep doing this then?" Ben asks and his eyes don't quite meet Martin's. He seems to be asking himself as much as Martin.  But Martin doesn't have an answer for him. None he can say aloud. They're attracted to each other, yeah. They both enjoy the other's company, yeah. But why they don't just put an end to it? Martin knows his answer. Imagines Ben's has something more to do with having his cake and eating it too, but he doesn't say that.

 

"I don't know," Martin says.  "But you're right. We can't do this anymore."

 

With that he stands. He'll just grab his phone and chance it with the low charge. Hell he'll buy a new phone. He just has to get the hell out of here now before he does something stupid. 

 

He moves past Ben and is heading towards the kitchen when Ben catches him around the waist and they somehow slot back together and fuck they're kissing again. Ben moves fast and slams him against the door. This makes Martin smile because he doesn't like it rough with anyone but Ben and Ben knows exactly when to be rough. His head hurts just a little from this slam, but the tiny ache on his back and ass are so good. Ben puts a leg between Martin's and Martin doesn't waste time grinding down finding the beautiful friction. But Ben isn't happy with this and before Martin knows it Ben is on his knees, unzipping Martin and snaking out his half hard cock. There is no preamble or discussion as Ben takes Martin in his mouth and begins licking and sucking until Martin finds himself fully hard.  

 

There are no more tears in his eyes as Martin looks down at Ben and silently asks. Ben's acquiesce is in the form of taking Martin's hands and firmly placing them on either side of Ben's head. Martin then waits for the cues. First Ben flattens his tongue, next he whimpers. Finally he gives a lick up to Martin's penis and Martin knows he's ready. Ben loves this. Martin loves this. Doesn't fucking matter why.  Martin normally closes his eyes during this but this time he continues looking  into Ben's eyes. Ben is looking up at him silently pleading for Martin to go  _ HARDER _ . Martin does just this.  He pulls his cock out entirely only to reenter Ben's willing mouth moments later but this time harder, faster. He’s hitting the back of Ben's throat and easing off just as he begins to choke. Ben moans his approval at this. The sounds are marvelous and go straight to Martin’s cock.

 

Ben has one hand held on to Martin's trousers, fist tightly holding onto Martin's ass. He pulls his trousers down even further exposing Martin's ass to the air, rubs a finger over Martin's hole. With his other hand Ben takes his own cock in hand and begins stroking fast. From the sound of it he’s close. Martin can tell.  So he lets himself thrust wildly in Ben's mouth. Saliva and precum are on Ben's lips. Martin notices the glistening beauty and just loses it. He comes and comes, losing the ability to stand. He slumps to the floor. Ben is stroking his cock, but leans over to find Martin's mouth. His lips, Martin thinks, I love his lips.  Dazed Martin kisses him back and rallies, moves his hand to knock Ben's out the way. Martin takes Ben's cock in his hand and strokes him until he cums with a shout. But they never stop kissing, holding onto one another. They kiss and and kiss and whisper a confession to each other.

 

"I love you," Ben says. "Fuck. I love you."

 

"I love you," Martin says.

 

"Don't..please don't go."  Ben begs.

 

"I love you," Martin says again. He kisses Ben quiet. 

 

***

 

After they shower Martin comes out to see his phone fully charged. He dresses...again. Ben is sat on his bed texting.  Martin gives him a tight smile then sits next to him. He really has to go.  He didn't mean to stay this late, though he's glad he did.

 

Ben looks up from his phone and smiles at him. He sets the phone down and leans over to kiss Martin. Martin happily returns the kiss and greedily takes more and more.  That feeling he's always afraid to show is on full display on his face and in this kiss. He isn't sure what they're going to do. In the back of his head he thinks of those people who have lovers for decades, but no one knows until they die...typically when their love letters are made public. He doesn't write Ben too many emails so it won't be that, but he does want people to know one day how they fell in love with each other. How they fought it time and time again. How they make each other happy. And fucking hell Ben does make him happy. He loves him.  

 

Ben pulls out of the kiss and looks into Martin’s eyes.

 

"What are we doing, Martin?" This time the words don't sound like an accusation waiting to turn into an ultimatum, rather they’re filled with wonder, love. This time Martin is happy to answer.

 

Martin shrugs. "Being in love?"

 

Ben smiles. "How long are you in New York?"

 

"Few more days. You?"

 

"Tomorrow I've got to be back in Atlanta."

 

"Ahh," Martin says. His eyes are searching out every part of Ben's face until the next time. "So it'll be a bit then."

 

"Come to Atlanta on your day off. The flight is only a few hours and--"

 

"And people will wonder why you're hid out in your room as compared to going out like you normally do. Plus me sneaking down there....Marvel would have a field day if people found out."

 

Ben smiles. "You're right. I just--"

 

Martin stops him. "We'll see each other soon enough yeah?"

 

"Yes," Ben says. 

 

Martin stands, turns around and reaches out a hand to take Ben's and pulls him off the bed to stand with him. He bends his head down for a final kiss then pulls away just a bit.

 

"This isn't ever going to get easier," he says.

 

"I know."

 

Martin smiles.

 

"Bye Ben," Martin says and gives him one last peck then hugs him tight. Ben's mouth is next to his ear during the embrace. He whispers to Martin.

 

"Marry me, Martin. Just fuckin marry me."

  
  


Martin pulls back. He smiles, winks.

  
  


"I'll answer next time." 

  
  


Ben smiles and lets him go.

 

Once Martin is out of the building and down on the street he resists the urge to text Ben and tell him how much he wishes they could. But instead he decides to enjoy pretending it could work out for them. Because in this moment he's just happy to be in love with someone who loves him. 

  
  
  


The End.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm meant to be finishing The Emails and a few other Freebatch works which will be in the Freebatch anthology due out in December, but felt a story was long overdue. Hope you enjoyed this one.


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